Really Bad Fanfiction
by Mmm Johnny. drooooool
Summary: New chapter. Don't read if you can't stomach Mr. Clean, penguins, and a whole lot of randomness.
1. How it Started

The Fan Fic

   Once upon a time, there lived Cherice and Melissa. They had both seen Pirates of the Caribbean and loved it. Cherice loved Will Turner and Melissa loved Jack Sparrow. So together they sat down to write this fan fic. They each had their own ideas of what to write about. But Cherice is typing…. Soooooooooooooo…. Yeah. Lol. Anyway, back to the story. So one day they went back to see it again. And little do they know, that their obsessions would turn into reality. And so with a swirl of blue light they were transported into the time of the Pirates of the Caribbean….

   "Whoa. Pirates." "No shit Sherlock a.k.a. Cherice." "Ahoy there!" Yelled someone. They turned… slowly…cautiously… "Arrgh matey, man over board!" Suddenly they realized they were floating on a piece of wood. "Uhhhh that's WOMEN overboard to you, pirate!" They both yelled back up. "Arrgh so we got ourselves two little lasses. Arrgh! What should we do with 'em cap'n?" And then there he was…Captain Jack Sparrow. "Bring 'em up, savvy?" And then the "Arrgh" pirate yelled, "Women overboard! Get the lifeboats! Arrgh!" Then the lifeboat was lowered, and the two girls climbed aboard. :::writers block::: … lol.

   "Welcome aboard! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, some may argue about the 'captain' part, but eh, oh well. This is my ship, the Black Pearl. Maybe you've heard of it, maybe not. Well, make yourselves at home. Feel free to look around." "I know who you are!!!" Melissa yelled. "I've heard all the stories, I even saw the movie!" "Right. Well, That would be Melissa, I'm Cherice." She stuck out her hand for a friendly handshake. "No takers. Right then, I'll be this way if anyone cares. Which no one does."     Then…..Cherice………caught sight of Will. _"Uh, stupid Elizabeth is with him. There'll be no living with her…but what to do about her…push her overboard? Nah, Will would hate me. Unless he didn't know it was me…no but then he'd have a broken heart…" _And her thoughts rambled on until Will noticed her and came up and started talking. "Hello? Are you deaf or something?" He waved a hand in front of her face. "Eh? Oh hello." Not knowing what to say Cherice shut up. "Hi, I'm Will. Will Turner that is." "Hi…" Her voice trailed off at the thought of actually talking to her. Then Melissa came up and disrupted the moment. "Hi-ya! I'm Melissa!" She looked around. "Do you know where I can get some food?" "Oh brother. Ignore her. She's always hungry. She really only needs to eat 3 times a day, but she sure could fool anyone who doesn't know." Will laughed. "I'm Cherice by the way." She smiled.

   So Cherice was obviously in heaven and there went Melissa, looking for Jack. Whoops, I mean CAPTAIN Jack. "Ohhh, Jaaaaaaaaaaack! Where are you?" She paused for a moment. "Marco?" Expecting a 'polo' back, she was slightly disappointed when she got no response. She was getting mad. "Marco! Marco, dammit!" Oh well. When she realized there was no hope, she went off in search of something to eat.

********

   Meanwhile, below deck…

   "So," Captain Jack Sparrow said, looking at his crew. "What are we to do with the girls?" There was a long silence until his first mate Briggs said, "Well, we should let them off at the next port. After all, it _is_ bad luck to have a woman on board." He was hit upside the head by Anna Maria. "Stupid. I am a woman." Captain Jack shook his head absentmindedly. "Well, we consider you more of a man, anyway." That was, needless to say, the wrong thing to tell her, *smack* she slapped him right across his face. "Wow, ok. So about these two girls. We could make them part of the crew. OR, they seem 20 or so, who wants a wife?" Anna Maria stood up for them. "You pigs! Leave them alone! They'll sleep in the same room as me and Elizabeth, that way there is no battle of the sexes!" Captain Jack looked at her in disappointment. "Fine, have it your way. It's not my fault I was left on an island all by my lonely perverted self." "Well we could stay away from them but who's to say they won't stay away from us?" One pirate yelled. A roar of laughter arose. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" Screamed Anna Maria. "My decision is final, you won't screw it up, and if you do… there'll be serious trouble!" And with that she left in disgust.

   Above Deck.

   Cherice was hitting on Will…when Elizabeth came along. "Ahem." She cleared her throat in that way that people that are starved for attention do. "AHEM!" Cherice and Will stopped looking at each other. "So you must be what the pirates brought aboard." She looked at her from head to toe…. And didn't like what she saw. Will did, though he would never tell anyone. "Hi. You must be Elizabeth. Nice to meet you. My name's Cherice." Once again she held out her hand for a handshake. Elizabeth took it, squeezing it rather hard. "So, I see that you have met my fiancé?" Will thought to himself, "_fiancé? I haven't proposed to her…" _"Yes, I have. I don't want to disrupt anything between you two though, so I'll just be on my merry little way." Will thought to himself  _"No, stay…" _But he didn't say it aloud. "That's good," Elizabeth said, looking at her again. "Well, I guess I'll see you at dinner. Buh-Bye!" And she left. Not moments later, Melissa appeared. "Have any of you two seen Jack? I've been looking for him since I got here. Haven't quite found him yet…" Elizabeth chimed in, "I think he's downstairs with the crew. I wouldn't go down there just yet. I think they're discussing what to do with you and the other one. Have fun looking around the ship though, it's quite interesting. Now if you could excuse us….." But Melissa was already on her way to the stairs, a happy little grin on her face. "Thanks! Bye!" "They both have a knack for curiosity I'll give them that." Will said chuckling. Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

*****

   Below Deck… again.

"Ah and here's one of 'em!" Melissa was walking down the stairs, the small grin still on her face. "Oh. Hello there." She realized that she was the only woman there. "Arrgh, fresh bait!" "Shut up you dirty… thing." Captain Jack stood up for her.  "Oh! Hello, Jack!" She decided not to add the Marco Polo thing in the conversation. "Good day, poppet. Have you looked around yet?" "A little. It's amazing." Jack smiled showing his gold teeth. "Ahem, crew." He looked at them as if to say, "Leave us alone!" They got the message and got out of the room. "So," he said, after a moment. "How did you get to be on a piece of driftwood? Not a crash, I hope?" "Oh, no, no, of course not! We just jumped into a movie and landed here. Nothing that amazing, I must say." "A movie?" "Nevermind. All you need to know is that, we're here, by a miracle actually and now I'm sitting here in this finely crafted chair talking to the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow. So, tell me about yourself." Jack puffed out his chest. "Well, I am a captain. Of a ship. Named the Black Pearl, so the big Bold letters on the side of the ship that say that makes a lot of sense." Melissa nodded her head, smiling. "Oh, yes. The big bold letters DO make a lot of sense." So the conversation dragged on, mainly of not a lot. After a little while, a bell sounded, and Jack stood up again. "Well, there's dinner. We should go up now." So up they went. The crew standing at the top of the stairs, looking at Jack with envy. "What, we didn't do anything!" He yelled back. Melissa, so oblivious, didn't even notice the crew. "Yea! We just talked, and, er…. Stuff."

*****

   At dinner…

Everyone, even Melissa and Cherice sat around a very large table. _"Typical pirates…" _Melissa thought to herself as she watched them all eat. It was really rather a disgusting sight. There was a lot of discussion and yelling around the dinner table and Elizabeth seemed to be the only quiet one. Cherice, being her usual chatterbox self fit right into the conversations. "Ha! You have to be joking, you can't honestly believe in 'curses' and stuff. That only happens in stories!" "Ah you see but that's where you're wrong, this is only one big story, with things happening out of nowhere. Take me for an example! One minute I think I'm mortal the next I'm shoved into the moonlight and I'm nothing but bones!" Jack argued with a laugh. And dinner lagged on, and every time someone looked at Will, Elizabeth grew even more bitter and jealous. Consumed in envy Elizabeth ran off to her room.

   _"No one can have Will. He's mine! He fought his hardest for me, why would he be looking at her like that? Ugh, she's such a pig! What was with her clothes! Talk about ugly." _So in all her bitterness she locked herself up in her thoughts. Unaware of her surroundings, she didn't even notice Will was standing right over her. So he sat down next to her as she was curled up in a corner of her room. He sat there for a while until she took notice of him. She didn't say anything; she just leaned in and kissed him. He didn't back away, but something made her know that he was slipping through the cracks in her fingers, which was all fine and dandy with Cherice, after all, she was obsessed with him and the more she got to know him the more she liked him. "What was that for?" Will asked a little startled. "I want to know that you are only mine, and no one can get in the way of what we have." There was an unnerving silence. "Elizabeth, I love you." Her eyes brightened up a little. She kissed him again and she leaned against his strong muscular chest and he put his arms around her. And so they sat, wrapped up in each others embrace.

*****

   Later that night…

As Jack sat in his special chair he wrote in his journal (yes his JOURNAL).

Day 84 of the Black Pearl Adventure:

Some of the crew found two young women floating on a piece of wood, not bad looking I must say. The one with blonde hair is looking pretty damn fine to me right about now… Though the one with the dark red hair seems to have a thing for Will… eh oh well. Guess I'll have to remind Will about the previous adventure trying to rescue his bonnie lass Elizabeth… but anyway. It's been a very tiring day, especially with Anna Maria around. Me and the rest of the crew were deciding what to do with them when I made a joke about them… Anna Maria got pretty mad and slapped me across the face… again. I really should get used to that by now. Eh oh well. I think its just about time for me to get some rest… tomorrow is going to be another crazy day.

-CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. (yes don't forget I'm the captain.)

   In Elizabeth, Anna Maria, Melissa and Cherice's room…

Day 84 of this madness:

Found 2 stupid girls on a piece of wood. Should have just left them there. It probably would have been so much easier. The one has a thing for Will, I really won't permit this…especially all we've been through together. Well not much else to say so I guess it's time for me to turn in for the night.

-Elizabeth Swann-Turner. (Turner… I can only hope…)

   Will's room-

Day 84 of my pirate escapade:

Still unsure of how Jack manages to get us places with a compass that doesn't point north, he has a way of that kind of stuff you know. We found two women on a piece of wood just floating along on the sea. A blonde and well…guess it's hard to describe her hair color. It's like the color of black cherries, but bring her into the light and her hair is set ablaze. The color of crimson fire, a sunset on a hot summer day. It's really quite a sight I must say. I fear we have too much chemistry together for our own good though. She's been all I can think about, I can't stand thinking of anyone else…not even Elizabeth. I don't know what to do. I thought I had fallen in love with Elizabeth but then along arrives this other woman, a fine woman indeed. Well I really think I should sleep on this and see what happens tomorrow. 'Night.

-Will Turner

   The next day

"Good morning everyone!" Jack yelled trying to wake up the rest of the crew with his usual sarcastic enthusiasm. "Rise and shine open the curtains!" No one moved. "Guess I have to do this the hard way." He walked over to the windows, pulled the curtains off and the sun came shining through like there was no tomorrow. A few tired men stirred. Still, none woke up. "Fine then. Off to the others!" He moved quickly down to Will's room. He knocked on the door. "Knock, knock! Is little Will up yet?" Long silence. "Hmm, take that as a no." He bursted through the door and shook Will hard along the shoulders. "Wake up! We've got a big day ahead of us." Will grunted. "Why is it that I'm the only one who can wake up this early in the morning? For pity's sake people." "I blame the rum." Said a voice from the doorway. "Ah, fine morning isn't it Elizabeth?" "Yes, indeed it is. I do suppose you'll let me do the honors of waking Will up though." "Of course. He's all yours…" His voice trailed off as he remembered how Cherice and Will had gotten along so well. "Carry on, I'll be waking the others." And Jack left. Elizabeth walked slowly over to the side of Will's bed. "Good morning, Will." Will opened his eyes to see Elizabeth's face blocking the sunlight so every strand of her golden hair glowed. "Good morning." Will replied. 

Meanwhile…. (Melissa typing now)

"Rise and shine, lassies! 'Tis a fine morning." Said Jack as he knocked on the cabin door of Melissa, Cherice and Anna Maria. There was no answer. "Hello! Anybody there?" From deep in the room, he heard a gruff voice answer. "Get away from the door, Jack, or else I'll shoot you through the door." Needless to say, Jack moved away from the door; Anna Maria was very scary in the morning. After a moment, a head stuck out of the door, one with blonde hair and bright blue eyes; It was obviously not Anna Maria. "Sorry," said Melissa, looking over her shoulder. "Anna Maria is, well…. A little crazy in the morning. The sea air seems to do some funky things to her hair, and she has drool on the…." She was cut off by the very Anna Maria that she was talking about, dragging Melissa behind her. "There is nothing wrong with me in the morning," she said stiffly, glaring at him. "And I DO NOT DROOL!" Melissa rolled her eyes. She knew that she did, in fact, drool, for she had the bed right next to her. "Right-o then." She looked from Anna Maria to Jack, all the while wondering how she was going to get out the door. Jack, having seen her problem, stepped out of the way, and said gallantly, "Well, milady. Shall I show you the way to the dinning hall? I think that we will have some good food, for sure." Melissa, being the dumb blonde that she was, tilted her head and said, "Uh…. I had dinner there last night. Why would I need to find the way again? Did it move or something?" "No, it didn't move," he replied, raising an eyebrow. "I was just wondering if you wanted to…" He was cut off by Anna Maria. "You best not be doing what I think you are," she yelled. "Remember our talk yesterday." "You mean the one where you smacked me for no reason?" Replied he. "Yea, that one." Came her voice very far away. Suddenly, just as Jack and Melissa were about to stalk away, Cherice came out of the bedrooms, her hair still perfect from the night before. "Whoa liquid rice man! (actually something she would say in real life…lol) So uh, morning. Have a very pleasant day and I will see you all……….. later. Right now I'm….. _Off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of the Black Pearl…_ Ok, I'm done. Bye everyone!" And with that, she walked away into the room that she just came out of, Jack and Melissa staring blankly after her.

Back in the Room of Will… er, Will's room, that is.

"So, Will," Elizabeth said, looking down at him. "How were your dreams? Pleasant I hope?" "Oh, yes," he replied, linking his hands behind his head. "I had some very pleasant ones indeed." Will thought to himself, _"Though why that Cherice character was in there instead of Elizabeth is quite odd. But to tell…or not to tell…" _Elizabeth looked down at her dearly beloved and sighed, guessing correctly that his thoughts were somewhere else. "We need to talk," she said, sitting up on the bed. "It is something of great importance." :::awkward silence::: "Are you having feelings for Cherice?" :::awkward silence::: Will bit his tongue… really, really hard. In the quietest little voice someone could ever make he replied with, "Yes…" "I KNEW IT! You've had feelings for the little tramp since the day we found her!" "That was only yesterday." "EXACTLY! You've known her for all of a day and a half and you already have feelings for her! You've known me for over eight years!" Elizabeth stormed out of the room slamming the door behind her. "Well that did not go well." Will muttered. 

Breakfast 

"So then I said to them, 'Let's all go naked and dance in the rain!' And then they made me their chief." Jack said, staring Melissa. "Wow. That is really, really amazing," Melissa replied, awed. "Oh brother," Cherice said, looking at the couple. Will saw this as well, and decided that since Cherice was bored, he would strike up a conversation. "So, have you seen Jack naked yet?" Once this left his mouth, he realized that it was the wrong thing to say, for Cherice looked at him like he was insane. "Uh….. No, I haven't seen Jack naked. Nor do I want to." "Er…," Will said, flustered. "That's good. That's very good." "Will, honey," Elizabeth said, trying to get Will's attention. "Can you pass me the bread?" Seeing as how Will was too caught up in his conversation with Cherice, Jack passed the milk to her, all the while still talking to Melissa. "Well, whatever floats your boat," Melissa said, smiling. "No pun intended." "But what if I want there to be pun?" "What about a bun?" Melissa asked, laughing hysterically at her wanna-be joke. "Uh…." Jack replied. "Right. Whatever you say." "Yes, whatever I do say. Hahahahah." Jack just shook his head at Melissa, wondering how on Earth he could like someone who was so…odd. "Well, mates," the captain said, looking around the table. "We need to get an early start today in order to reach Port Haven ((I honestly don't think that this is a place.)) by tonight. So, every body up and get going!" "Do we have to?" All of them grumbled, shoving food in their faces. Meanwhile, Cherice and Will were still talking. After a moment, Elizabeth was so annoyed, that she poked Will on the shoulder and said, "Will, did you hear what Jack said? You need to get a head start today. So, get up." He didn't. "Oh, fine then. I'll go start the main sails myself." And with that, she got up and left.


	2. Drunken lurv and humping mad cows

Anyhoo (Cherice typing)

Elizabeth stood near the edge of the ship looking over the side, a tear rolling down her cheek. The new not-so-torn black sails flew endlessly in the wind as Cherice came above deck to just sit quietly for a moment and enjoy the peace of the sea. But Cherice couldn't be at peace, Elizabeth was hurt and it was all Cherice's fault. (I really am too nice. Really.) Cherice walked over to her a little disappointed in herself. "You know Elizabeth, when I first came aboard I had no idea you and Will were together (what a lie)… and I really had no intentions of taking him away from you… (Ha! Another lie!) Really, I didn't." "I know. (Uh oh, she's being honest!) It's just all my life Will and I had this, oh I don't know, a "connection". Somewhere along the way we knew we were meant for each other, ever since that first day we met. It just doesn't make sense that he can have a change of heart so quickly." "I know how you feel. But if Melissa and I are going to be here awhile, and I have a feeling we will, we're going to have to learn to get along. So, in other words, let's call it a truce. I'll stay away from Will, if you learn to at least tolerate me, I'm not saying you have to like me, you just have to put up with me." "I never said I didn't like you, I was just a little jealous. That's all. Well, we should go down and see what's going on." So together they walked as if they were best friends (which by all means Cherice did NOT want) to see what was happening.

Below deck……………

Anna Maria as usual was slapping someone across the face, not surprisingly it was Jack, still upset at the fact that she doesn't have her own ship. "Anna Maria! I promise you I will get you a ship, I'll even make you captain, savvy? Now, I'm off to do me captain stuff. So I'll be up!" Jack wanted to say or do anything to get away from her, and his usual slick way of words worked. Melissa slightly disappointed decided not to follow him and seem obsessive instead she walked her merry little way over to Cherice. "So I see you and Elizabeth are getting along better." "Yeah I guess. She said she's jealous. Which I really wouldn't doubt but anyway." "That won't last long." Melissa replied. Cherice looked a little puzzled. "Will's crazy about you. He would do anything for you…" Cherice cut her off, "Are you forgetting he also said he'd die for Elizabeth yet here he is crazy about me? So what happens when another woman comes into his life? Maybe he's better off with her. I don't know." "Cherice, don't say that! Push Elizabeth overboard! Get her out of the way, and take him for yourself!" "No, I couldn't do that. I'm too nice." "That you are, that you are." Said a voice from…..beyond… (Lol in the X Files are we?) And there Will stood from behind them. "I heard your entire conversation. Just so you know. You honestly don't want to do all that just to get with me. Let me take care of things, I can get Elizabeth out of the way." Somehow this didn't sound like the Will they knew. Cherice replied sarcastically, "What's your catch?" "Oh no catch really." He winked at her and walked away. "That was a little creepy." "Yeah I think he's going to rape you." Melissa said casually. "MELISSA!" Cherice started laughing, "I don't think I'd mind it THAT much… how often do you get raped by someone like that?" She laughed again. "So I wonder what Will's really going to do about her." "Well Melly Mel Mel, there's only one way to figure out… we could totally spy on him. Who wants to do a little snooping?" "No! No no no no no no no! Remember that one time, when we tried spying on the neighbors because you thought he was a mass murderer? And it turned out he was a butcher? Let's not make that mistake again…" "HEY! That was fun! We had an interesting story on that too… so we almost got caught, so we almost were put in jail… big deal. Oh fine, be that way. I'll do it myself." So Cherice got up and snuck ever so quietly into Will's room.

Cherice stood in Will's room, thinking he was the type of person to keep his room clean. Pft. She could barely move with all this crap on the ground. "_Heh, heh." _Cherice thought to herself as she looked upon a pair of underwear lying on the floor. Finally after climbing over everything she got to a small book. There was nothing written on the cover, no lock to keep it closed. So slowly she opened it. It was Will's journal. She flipped to the very last entry, the one about her. She read it in her head, tears filling her eyes in amazement that someone could like her so badly. "_Me, how could anyone feel so strongly about me?" _After all, Cherice though most people thought her physically attractive was usually the outcast, she was the "freak" of her high school and basically the all around loser. But Cherice took great pride in this even if she did love to fit in once in a while. Suddenly there was someone in the doorway. Cherice practically dropped the journal and jumped out of the chair in which she was sitting. "What are you doing in here?" Will said calmly looking at her in an odd way. "Me? Well. You really don't see me. I'm just a figment of your imagination. Just carry on with what you were doing. This figment is getting out of here." Will rolled his eyes. "Well ok figment, mind telling me what you were doing in my room, reading my journal." The "figment" stopped moving and stared. "That was a figment also. I have no reason to be snooping around your room. Now if you could let me out of the doorway…" She said trying to push her way through. "No, I don't think I'll let you." Will looked at her with pure lust in his eyes. "Hmm, I see we've had a bit too much rum, hanging out with Jack a little too often?" Cherice said coolly. As you see, Cherice was normally fearless. "Born without a fear gene." Her parents had always said. "You can never have enough rum." "Oh there is a line you can cross. I think you've crossed it. So, if you could please let me through, I promise never to go in here again and I will completely forget everything I've read in your journal."

Will wouldn't let her through. So Cherice decided to have her fun and add a little humor. "Oh now you really don't want to be looking at me like that JUST yet. After all, we still have Elizabeth to deal with, after she's gone you can have all the fun you want with me. But until then keep your mind to yourself. Besides, once the rum has worn off you'll be back to normal. So, what are your plans with Elizabeth?" "I don't know yet. I'm thinking about marooning her on the same little island her and Jack were on last time. But that's well off the course. There's always getting her so drunk she doesn't know what she's doing and she "accidentally falls overboard into a pit of sharks. Though I don't know where to get sharks from." Will rambled on, and didn't even notice Cherice's cunning escape. She quietly slipped through the door, Will still unaware he was talking to himself.

"Ah, there you are." Cherice said pointing at Elizabeth. "You better go check out Will. He's a little too drunk for his own good." And Cherice ran off.

Meanwhile in Melissa's life……..

"So Jack. How much longer till we reach the port?" "Oh not long now, give it maybe 3 hours and you will see a large seaside city on the horizon." Jack said using the compass that doesn't point north. "Oh ok." Said Melissa who was studying the ship really hard trying to figure out exactly why someone could love this so much. "So honestly, how many times have you danced naked under the full moon?" Melissa said trying to be funny. "Well there was that one time, and then there was that other time where my ass got burned by a giant bonfire, and then there were those other times… well I don't exactly know how many, let's just say around 30 or so…so you've never danced naked under the full moon?" "No I can't say that I have." "When we reach the port…" :chuckles: "You know what we'll be doing eh?" :laughter: Melissa couldn't wait… no really. She really couldn't wait. Well, she sat in a chair, completely staring at Jack's ass. Which was really pretty funny.

Anyhoo

So there Elizabeth sat… a new entry in her diary now.

Middle of Day 85 of this madness…

Cherice and I called a truce. I think she had her fingers crossed behind her back. Anyway, I'm ok with her now. I think I'm fully ready to accept the fact that Will has moved on… Commodore Norrington is still waiting for me anyway. Well… It's about 3 in the afternoon and there's stuff to do. So I'll be writing later. Bye!

-Elizabeth SWANN (what kinda last name is Swann?)

So Will lay there on his bed, completely passed out from the rum when Elizabeth walked into his room. "Will?" She tapped him on the shoulder. "Will?" She said a little louder hitting him a littler harder also. "WILL!" She slapped him across the face. He still didn't move. "Fine then. When you wake up, you know where to find me." And she walked away, slowly at first just to make sure he was still passed out, and then faster up the stairs to find Anna Maria.

Anna Maria sat on her bed playing war (card game) with Melissa. "Ha! Look at that! My 7 beats your 6." Melissa said proud of herself. "Yeah well, go ahead and take the stupid 6, see if I care." Elizabeth laughed. "You guys are hilarious. Anyway, what's going on? Shouldn't we have been there by now?" Anna Maria answered, "Yeah of course we should have. You know Jack though, he probably took the longest ways there. But I really don't know. Why don't you go ask? Anyway, could you possibly leave now? This is war and I'm winning!" "You are not!" Melissa said defensively. "I am too!"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and went to the deck where Jack was studying his compass and singing to himself. "_Yo ho, yo ho a pirates life for me… _Why hello poppet. Came to see me did we?" "Well actually, I was wondering, shouldn't we have been there already?" "Well honestly yes, but we got thrown a little off course. Didn't want to run into another pirate ship…" "Oh. Right. So when will we be…" She stopped herself from finishing when all of a sudden a big port came into view. "Ahhh! Here we are! Arriving at the BEAUTIFUL Port Haven!" Jack, feeling very proud of himself said stressing the word 'beautiful'.

Port Haven really was beautiful, a busy little seaside town just off the coast Florida. The crew did their stuff, lowering the anchor, fixing the sails, raising the flag with skull and crossbones. You know, the usual pirate stuff. Finally Will awoke from his drunken-ness and came up to the deck to see what was going on. "Where are we?" He asked still a little drunk. "Welcome me boy to the one and only Port Haven, look to your left and you will see….erm… the ocean… now if you look to the right you will se this marvelous….city…..town……..thing. Anywho, enjoy! I'm off to go pillage, plunder, rifle and loot… and of course do all that other great pirate stuff!"

Below Deck (Melissa typing)

"I'm telling you, that's a nine!" Anna Maria yelled, throwing her hands up in the air. "No, you idiot!" Melissa yelled back, throwing cards down. "It's a six! It may look like a nine to you, but notice the fact that there are SIX hearts. Six, six, SIX!" After a blank stare from Anna Maria, Melissa shook her head and said gallantly, "I forfeit. You suck." Before Anna Maria could answer, the boat come to a sudden stop, and Melissa, standing up as she was, fell down and hit her head on the table. "Oh, crap monkeys and their nickel dicks," she yelled, her hand on her head. "That hurt like a mother!" "Uh………" Anna Maria said. "Suuuuuuuuuure, whatever you say about monkeys…… and their nickel dicks. Oh, you wouldn't happen to be talking about a little monkey named JACK, would you?" Melissa stared blankly at her. "No…. I just think that monkeys and their nickel dicks are all the same." After that, Melissa got up and dusted off her pants from the dirt….. grim…. Stuff that was on her pants. Once she was done, she got up and, leaving Anna Maria behind her, left to find out why they stopped.

Jack…… Enough said

Jack walked around the cobbled streets of Port Haven, his hips moving in a gyrating sort of way. After a while, he came across a little…. Tavern that was called _The Layer_. Now, OF COURSE this couldn't be anything…… untowardly. After all, it sounded so docile and sweet, and oh so fun. So why there was a half naked woman standing against the door was beyond Jack. But still, just to be polite, Jack stepped into the tavern and looked around in amazement. :writers block:

Well since Melissa has writers block time for Cherice's brilliant idears to come out. So continuing her paragraph…

RUM RUM RUM RUM RUM! There was so much RUM! To Jack's pure delight, there was every kind of rum imaginable, regular rum, Puerto Rican rum, Mexican rum… heck even English rum he was oh so tempted to try. So as he sat in this tavern taking in the sights, the brawls, the women… ah yes… the women. Yes… Jack's second favorite thing (next to rum of course) was women. Fat ones, skinny ones, big boobed ones, small boobed ones, he didn't really care as long as she liked rum and of course if he could get laid.

Melissa and Cherice….

Melissa and Cherice got off the Black Pearl and took a walk to the same little tavern that Jack was in. Jack spotted them immediately and ran behind a bottle of rum. (don't ask how it's possible, because anything's possible when you're drunk on rum…or at least when Jack's drunk on rum.) Jack looked through the bottle of rum and watched them walk in. Of course a drunken pirate greeted them at the door. "Welcome to The Layer!" :hiccup: The drunken pirate passed out and Cherice, reacting on her instincts put her arms out to catch him. But given the weight of this large man she fell over landing on top of him. She quickly got up. "This is NOT what it looks like! Ok everyone, I repeat I'M NOT SCREWING HIM MADLY LIKE A COW!" And under her breath she muttered, "Yeah go animal porn!" "What in all of the seas name?" Jack said listening in to what they were saying. But, just as he was saying this, Melissa assured every one of the pirates in the building, "Yes, she IS humping him like there is no tomorrow. Any takers?" "This is why I hate you. And as you mutter something about Pippin and Legolas under your breath you should know, that we're in the 17th century…sorry no Lord Of The Rings…but if there was Lord Of The rings now… Legolas would still be mine! BAH HA HA HA HA! But for now, I'm off to find Will." And so with that she left Melissa alone in the tavern.

Jack came out from his hiding place and greeted Melissa with a friendly :hic: and a friendly :cup:. (yes Melissa I am an idiot.) "Welcome to The Layer, love. Have some rum with me!" Melissa gladly accepted the offer and without saying a word joined him at the table where he was sitting. Three bottles of rum sat on the table and Melissa took one, and Jack took one. "I propose a toast!" Said Jack in a drunken sort of way. "To drunken love and getting laid!" Melissa looked at him oddly…but all the same she knew she would enjoy it. So without further ado, she raised the bottle and said, "To drunken love and getting laid…by you." Jack looked at her… but didn't disagree with her decision. So with a ding of the bottles hitting one another they chugged away, and soon enough they were drunk and well on their way back to the Black Pearl.

Ewwwwwww god no offense but picturing one of my best friends screwing like a mad cow doesn't turn me on. Sorry Mel. Jack Sparrow screwing does a little something to me… but hey… I'm after Will here!

Melissa's authors note:

Sure, ok, fine then. Be that way, Cherice. I think that you are just jealous of my sexy and oh so suave Jack Sparrow. You are just upset that they didn't feature Will with eyeliner and coolio hand movements. All her had was good hair and a sexy ass! He's nothing but a gay… man. There ya go! HAHAHAHAHAHA :maniacal laughter sounds in the background, as does lightning: Anyhoo, I'm gonna wrap this up.

Peace,

Melly Mel-Mel (First of the Geeks)


	3. A Chapter Of Really Good Lines

****************

As Melissa and Jack walked down the street (actually, it's more like they were swerving, like drunken cows), they had a very meaningful conversation. "Now, what do you say love to a little more rum and the nice open sea air, savvy?" Melissa drunkenly replied, "Aye!" "Aye, now let's get back to that ship of mine." So they walked, arms linked together, back to the Black Pearl.

So as Cherice searched for Will….

Cherice walked down the streets, this town looking much like Tortuga, whores everywhere, along with of course the drunken men. After walking for a few blocks she came upon a blacksmith shop. "If Will was anywhere, this is where he would be." So Cherice walked in.

The blacksmith shop looked much like Will's, except in this one there was no passed out man sleeping in a chair, and no donkey. A little happy for this, Cherice looked around the shop, taking in the finely made swords and hatches, not to mention horseshoes. After a while, Cherice realized that Will wasn't in the main part of the shop, so she went to the large wooden door, and opened it.

:::writers block:::

Ah yes that's where I was…

(Melissa, he is not raping the donkey… so leave it.) Will was sitting in a chair, his head on the desk in front of him a tear rolling down his cheek. (Awwww you gotta love the sensitivity of this doode.) He immediately noticed someone walking in and sat up straight wiping his face free of the one lonely tear. "Oh. Hello, I didn't think anyone was here. Oh it's just you. Never mind." "Am I interrupting anything? If I am I'll just be on my way…" "No it's ok, you can stay. I don't mind." Actually Cherice felt a little uncomfortable… _"Hmmm, is he still drunk? Is he gonna put the moves on me again? Hmmm…" _ "Sorry for the way I acted before," Will said. "I was a little…. Well, I just wasn't myself." _"I'd say that you weren't yourself. You were drunk off of the rum…" _"It's all right," Cherice said. "Well you seem pretty much sober now, so anyway…" The conversation went on.

As they continued talking, a door open. Seeing as how they were so caught up in the conversation, they didn't hear it. Only when a burly man with very little teeth walked in did they seem to realize that they were in trouble. BIG trouble. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SHOP?!" He shouted, his stained gums bared. "GET OUT! OR ELSE I'LL CALL THE CONSTABLES!" Cherice, having no idea what a constable was (it's a police officer, in case you didn't know), told the man hesitantly, "Now, this isn't what it looks like. We aren't having a midnight rendezvous." "Of course not," Will said, not totally sober; he DID drink a lot of rum. "It's not even midnight." Cherice shook her head at him, and was about to say something witty and incisive, when the man in front of her yelled, "I DON'T WANT WHORES IN MY PLACE OF BUSINESS!" This little line got Cherice a little peeved. Her, a WHORE? That just wasn't right. But before she could say anything, Will leapt up from the chair and gallantly, "You shall not call the lady a whore!" He then reached down for his sword, but soon found out that it wasn't there. "Well, ok, I can't really fight you but…. I shall win you over with my words! Aha!"

A few moments later…. (aka the lovers quarrel) ((Melissa typing now))

"Stupid girl got us in prison." Will muttered at the same time Cherice said "Stupid boy got us in prison." They both heard one another and defensively they said in unison, "I heard that!" They shot evil glares at each other for while but stopped when Jack and Melissa walked in, still obviously quite drunk. They were leaning on each other for support, and were singing loudly, "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" They then lapsed into a fit of giggles, sounding like a bunch of school girls, Jack included. Soon enough, Melissa was on the floor, laughing her ass off, all the while muttering, "I like kinky sex with cows! They have sooooooooooooooo much milk!" After a while, they both composed themselves, Melissa dusting off her pants. She then looked over at the jail cell, and saw Cherice. "How the fuck did you get in there?" She asked, slurring her words. "Did you do something weird with a straw again?" Once again, she started giggling. "Ahahahahahahahahaha! Straw! It's sounds like SAW! Hahahaha! :::giggle:::." 

In the cell, Cherice looked over at Will, forgetting, at the moment, that she was very upset with him. "Why must I be cursed with THAT for a friend?" She looked up towards the ceiling. "Why do you hate me, God? WHY?!" Before God (or Will, for that matter) could answer, there was a smack, and Cherice turned her head quickly. What she saw was Melissa and Jack laughing, holding their stomachs, and a very angry police officer. Cherice wondered what was so funny, so she asked Melissa…… "………What is so funny?" In between  fits of laughter she managed to get out, "I smacked his ass… :::laughter::: and it looked like :::laughter:::: JELLO!" :::laughter between Melissa and Jack::: "Could they be more perfect for each other?" Cherice asked Will as the two were rolling on the ground hysterically, "I don't know. They really couldn't be more different, they're just drunk, give it a week and they'll hate each other." Will said chuckling at the end of his sentence. "THAT IS ENOUGH! I should have you two locked up too. Now these two drunken people are here to bail you out, I don't know if that's humanly possible anymore… Anyway, 5 shillings for the whelp and the whore." "AGAIN WITH THE WHORE!!! SHEESH PEOPLE! I REPEAT I AM NOT A WHORE!" Cherice sat back against the wall, muttering things under her breath. Jack pulled out a small velvet pouch full of shillings. "Ok, you can take the five shillings, but I still get the whelp and the whore right?" "JACK! She is not a whore, and I'd prefer if everyone stopped calling her that." Will jumped to her defense. Cherice looked at him, oddly touched by his words. But she was still mad at him for getting them put in jail. She told him as much. Well, not about the part about her being touched by him (hehehehe!). "I got us put in here?!" Will cried incredulously. "You were the one that said he should use a TicTac, what ever that is,  because he smelled so bad." "Yes, so? You were the one that said he looked like a pig, and that it was easier to count what teeth he had left, instead of how much were gone." "Yes, well," Will shot back. "You were the one that…." He was cut off by Jack. "Mate, it doesn't really matter WHO got you in here, it's who's going to get you out. I should know; I've been in here enough. Well, not this exact one, but…" "Can you just get us out of here?" Cherice asked, slightly annoyed. "There's something very foul coming off from over by Will's end, and I don't want to know what it is." Jack stared at her blankly for a while, shocked that someone cut him off. After a moment, he shook his head, ridding himself of such thoughts, and said, "Uh……. Yea." He then took out five shillings and handed them to the officer. "Thanks," The constable said as Jack put the coins in his hand. 

After the officer let Cherice and Will out of the jail cell, they all walked out of the building, Melissa and Jack, once again, leaning on each other for support. As they walked towards the Black Pearl, there was a silence. Well, at least until Melissa and Jack started singing, "Da da da da da da da da da da ("Batman!" Melissa yelled), And REALLY BAD EGGS!" The only thing that they heard was the laughter of Jack and Melissa as they walked raucously towards the boat.

On the Black Pearl…… ( Melissa/Cherice typing. We're formed at the HIP!!!) (aka the sharing is for fuckers paragraph)

:::writers block::: "Did you really call that man a pig, Will?" Jack asked once they were on the ship. They were sitting at the table that they ate… food, and Jack had a piece of meat over his left eye, seeing as he, somehow, managed to hit himself in the head; there was a bruise forming. "Jack, why in the whole fricken world do you have a fricken piece of fricken meat over your fricken left eye?" Cherice asked proud of herself for swearing J.  "I like the way it feels." Jack said pushing the piece of meat further into his eye. Melissa sat there hysterically laughing. "How :::laughter::: does that :::laughter::: feel :::harder laughter::: good?" Melissa spat out in between spurts of laughter. "Would you like to feel for yourself?" Jack asked, suddenly in a very seductive voice. (Melissa: I don't know why I put that…)  "Uh…." Melissa said uncertainly, looking from the seductively looking Jack and the intently staring Cherice and Will. "Sure…." And with those words, Jack shoved the piece of meat in Melissa's face. "Oooo that does feel good." Melissa said shoving the piece of meat in Cherice's face. "Get that away from me!" "You know Cherice, sharing is caring!" "Sharing is for fuckers!" Cherice said throwing it across the table to Elizabeth who then threw it to Anna Maria who then threw it to Will. Then Will, scooping up some of the tomato-y mixture sitting in a bowl and putting it on the piece of meat threw it across the table to Jack. "Tastes like rum!" Jack said right before he actually tasted the tomato-y mixtured piece of meat. "Oh ok, not really." So, Jack threw it to the midget. Who in a squeaky voice replied with, "So I guess this is the start of another gooooood food fight. ARRGH!" He threw it randomly across the room. It hit the floor.

So, Jack loaded it into one of the canons. He lit the cannon and it hit the neighboring ship of Captain Feathersword! (wiggles loooooooooool) So captain Feathersword loaded a frozen chicken into one of his own canons and it hit Jack in the face. So Jack ate it, right after he said, "That feels goooooooooooooood." Then he loaded the cannon with a rooster, that flew across the sea into the ship. "::Insert Rooster sound here.::" The rooster yelled, running around. "GIVE ME THAT ROOSTER!" The freaky parrot said, still standing on that dude's shoulder. "I'm cannibalistic!" So, after that, they shoved the parrot into the cannon,  and it flew across the sea to Captain Feathersword's ship.

So after the parrot/rooster/meat war with Captain Feathersword, Captain Feathersword decided to come over to Jack's ship and talk to him. Instead, he burst into song! _"That's what they teach me at my pirate school!"_ Then… he left. So as the crew steadily cleaned and scrubbed the ship, Jack was serenading Melissa with some stupid pirate song that he made up while he was drunk… no wait… he's still drunk. So as Melissa sat there listening intently… she realized she was staring straight into his black rimmed eyes. "Yes, love?" Jack asked politely. "Oh nothing…it's just that…your eyes are so….dark…and mysterious." Jack curled his moustache and replied with, "I know. Why don't you take this here bottle of rum." Jack handed her the bottle. She took it into her own hands. "I propose a toast." Melissa said eyeing Jack's hands as they slowly moved towards her butt. Melissa shifted slightly so that she was out of his reach. "To rum!" "To rum." Jack chugged it down as Melissa left the room. She could hear from in the hall, Jack's head hit the floor as he passed out. 

Meanwhile in Will's room…..

Cherice sat in Will's arms, wrapped up in his embrace, enjoying the moment. Will turned (hahahaha Will turned…Will Turner…lol ok im done.) Ok well…. Will turned Cherice over so that she was laying almost on top of him but slightly beside him. The candles lit in the room gave it a romantic glow as Will leaned in towards her ear. His lips were against the side of her face as he whispered romantic-like things into her ear. (Unsure of what he was saying EXACTLY. But you can imagine… J) Melissa, suddenly very happy, picked the lock on the door to Will's room and burst into the room where Cherice and Will were leaning in, just about to passionately kiss. "Oh well I see how it goes." Melissa said sarcastically. " 'Let's make-out without Melissa!' Pft." Melissa said mocking the two. Cherice rolled over away from Will as his hand slid off her waist. "Can we ever have privacy?" Cherice said to no one in particular even though she was looking at Will. "Never." Will responded. "Oh well if you guys want privacy why didn't you ask? Sheesh! Or lock the door or something!" Melissa stormed out of the room. "Anyway…" Cherice said seductively moving back towards Will. Will's hands once again found her waist as he pulled her even closer. This time they leaned in, undisturbed, and shared a very passionate kiss. So passionate in fact that this could probably go down in the Guinness Book Of World Records. :::and this is where we leave the two…for now at least….and no…for all you perverts they did NOT have sex!:::

Authors notes

Cherice: Seriously guys…me and will didn't have sex (I only wish!) lol but hope you enjoyed the 3rd chapter…yes I makes slightly less sense then the others but oh well.  Have a marshmallow!

Melissa: 'So yea. Another chappy has ended, and I know that you are all very upset. Probably most of you just because Cherice didn't screw Will into a coma, but hey. Life sucks. Anyhoo, half of that is mine, and the other half belongs to some dude named Alex who bought it from me from some weird website. But shhhh... Cherice doesn't know yet. Author's Notes suck! Peace, Melissa


	4. An Odd Twist

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(Cherice typing)

Melissa madly searched the ship for what seemed to be…….a condom? No one could really tell what she was searching for exactly so you can replace the 'condom' with a word of your choice. She still searched until she tripped over Jack who was laying on the floor, drunk of course. Jack jumped up and screamed "NO MELISSA! COME BACK!" He stopped short of seeing her right in front of his face. "Oh hello love. I was dreaming about you but don't mind me carry on with your well to do." Jack…..swerved…….away, (I swear  that one of these days Jack is going to drink himself to death.) bumping into random objects when Melissa grabbed the collar of his vest-type thing and turned him towards her. She slapped him across the face and she rapidly kissed him. (That sounds weird…) Soon they were in a full out make-out session right there in the hallway.

Cherice and Will fell asleep last night together (still, they didn't screw like wild monkey cows!) her head on his shoulder and his head leaning on her head. It was kind of cute…until Anna Maria walked through the door and slapped them both across the face. (she seems to like doing that….) "I'M UP!" Will jumped up and took Cherice with him. "Ow!" She screeched as Will pulled her by her hair. Anna Maria began, rolling her eyes. "You two! Before you screw each other into a coma need to realize that there are some people on this ship who may just be jealous! No names mentioned…….ELIZABETH!" She ran out of the room slamming the door behind her.

"So where were we?" Will asked, a seductive little look in his eye. Cherice stared up at him in a "You know…" sort of way. They kissed and fell onto the bed, NEXT to each other. (NO! NO SEX! NO NO!)

Anna Maria stepped over Jack and Melissa as they were still making out on the floor. 

Elizabeth followed her.

:::writers block:::

Author notes: so this is turning into a mindless Mary Sue fic! And everyone ends up making out! WTF?! Hmmmmm a weird twist coming up? HA! I think so…. ---end author notes---

All of a sudden….

Jack and Melissa are making out at the movie theater and Cherice and Will are making out next to them! SOMEHOW THEY WARPED BACK TO THE PRESENT! Cherice pulled away from Will and Melissa pulled away from Jack. The two girls looked at each other and then looked at the movie screen which after showing the part where pirates invade Elizabeth's house, went blank. It went blank right when it should because Jack and Will both looked at the screen in wonder. (Imagine what would have happened if they saw pirates and Elizabeth on screen? lol) Jack looked at Will, Will looked at Jack. 

"Melissa? I don't think we're on the Black Pearl anymore!" Cherice said in a Wizard of Oz type way. "Me either. So how did we get back?" "I couldn't tell you. One minute I'm making out with Will on his bed and then we're here. CONSPIRACY!" Melissa and Cherice led their two guys out of the theater, trying best to hide them from public views. Will and Jack stared in marvel at the technology of the 21 century. They were even more in awe when they reached the parking lot. "What are these massive beings, love?" Jack said as he tapped on a red convertible. "Cars." Cherice replied forgetting they've never seen them before. Will walked to the side of one and pulled on the handle. The car alarm went off and Will ran back to the group's side. Melissa and Cherice laughed.

Soon they reached Cherice's car and Jack and Will went into the back seat. Jack got himself badly tangled up in the seatbelt as Will stared at the craftsmanship of all the metal. Cherice turned the car on and she pulled away from the building. She drove them all to her little Illinois suburban house, 30 minutes away from Chicago. They pulled into the driveway and Melissa had to go untangle Jack. Will stepped out, not touching the car in fear that the alarm might go off again. Cherice took out the key to her home and took them all inside. Jack and Will sat down on the big tan comfy couch and Jack stood up, and fell into it again. Once again he stood up, fell into it and bounced back up. "What is this contraption love? It's fun!" Cherice looked at him. "It's called a couch. It's something to SIT on." Jack looked at her in amazement and fell back one more time and sat down. All of a sudden Will spotted the computer. He walked over to it and tapped on the keyboard. The computer went off of the screen saver and on the screen was a picture of…..who would have guessed….. Will Turner.

Will jumped back! "What sort of mirror is this?" He walked away….afraid…

"So this is where I live. Welcome." Cherice said, watching Will stare at the pictures hanging on the wall.

"WHERE'S ALL THE WATER?! WHERE'S THE RUM?!" Jack said pacing the floors. "We're on land, bucko. Get used to it because until we can figure out how to get you back home this is where you'll be staying." Melissa replied sarcastically.

Author notes:

HAHA back to the future!!!! Anyhoo…….tell me what you people think……..its on the shortish side but oh well!


	5. Shoe Resesitation

::Melissa Typing::  
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"WHERE'S ALL THE WATER?! WHERE'S THE RUM?!" Jack said pacing the floors. "We're on land, bucko. Get used to it because until we can figure out how to get you back home this is where you'll be staying." Melissa replied sarcastically.  
  
  
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"BUT I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE LOVE!! EVERYWHERE I LOOK THERE ARE PICTURES OF WILL!! LOOK!" He yelled as he pointed to one. "HERE HE HAS LONG BLONDE HAIR AND A BOW AND ARROW!! OMG!! (why can't he just say Oh my God?) HE'S A STRIPPER!!!!!!!!!!" He then proceeded to run around the living room. He stooped on after he was tired and then fell against the couch. Everyone was looking at him in a weird way... "Holy Mother of a Foo Clown," Melissa said as she looked at him. He was sweating and his breaths were coming out slow and shallow. "I hear ya, sista!" Melissa looked over at Cherice who was grinning in a way that asked, did-I-really-say-that-or-am-I-going-crazy? "Ooooook then. On to plan B. I don't think Jack should sleep here tonight." "I don't think even I want to stay here tonight," Will added, looking frightfully at the computer screen as it changed to a picture of him wearing nothing but a leopard print Speedo with a white shirt tucked into it. (Melissa: Is there really a picture like that out there? Hmmmm) "Fine!" Cherice exclaimed. "Be that way! I'll just sleep here all by my lonesome self!" Once again, Melissa looked at Cherice like she was crazy. "WHERE THE HELL HAS CHERICE GONE?! ON A VACATION TO MEXICO?! OMG!! SHE'S GOING TO END UP IN A BURRITO!! NOOO!!! NOT ANOTHER CHERICE BURRITO!! THEY GIVE YOU GAS!!!!" Everyone slowly backed away from Melissa. "Riiiiight," Will said slowly in his sexy accent. (Meissa ::drool::) Finally, Cherice let out a WOOOSH! of air. "I have it!! IT'S TIME FOR A SLEEEEEEEEEP OVER!"  
  
::Melissa still typing. WHOOP!! I'M GOING TO WRITE THE ENTIRE CHAPPY!!! maybe::  
  
At Melissa's house....  
  
Everyone had packed their bags, and everyone was over at Melissa's house. Well, actually, only n Cherice packed a bag since she was the one spending the night... Melissa lived in her house, and wore those clothes, and Jack and Will were just going to have to stay in those clothes... ::Melissa thinks about giving Jack a bath:: BUT, Cherice liked to think she was the center of the world, so it was A-OK with her. They arrived in Melissa's house, which was really only three houses down from Cherice's, and also had the same floor plan. "Dude," Melissa said as she dropped Cherice's bags on the ground. "Welcome to my house. Here is the.. living room, and there is the.... kitchen. And over here is the stairs. OH! And look, there's the carpeting. Isn't is lurvely?" Cherice looked at he like she was insane... and maybe she was. "It looks just like my house. Dumbass." "Ahh! Yes, that is does! But.. mine is different, for there is a," here she pushed the stairs to reveal.. well, another set of stairs, only they were going downwards instead of.. upwards, "SECRET ROOM!! _BUWAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA_!!!" Once again, everyone slowly backed away in fright. Only... Will, being the pa- sexy! little pirate that he was, fell down the stairs, and went_ BOOM_! "That was a stupid thing to go and do," Jack hollered down to him. '_Oooof_," was his only response. "Quite." Everyone (Well, minus Will. He was still _Ooofing_ in pain) turned to look at Cherice. "WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE GOING OUT OF THEIR FUCKING CHARACTER?! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!" "I dunno," Cherice answered. "BUT I NEED TO SEE IF MY WILLY IS OK!" Cherice took off down the stairs, presumably heading towards Will. "Did she just say she had a willy?" Jack asked Melissa, sniggering. "Yea, well.. yea.. WHOA NOW!! THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!!" Here, she gagged, and buried her head in Jack's chest. "ONLY MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE WILLIES!" "Aye," Jack answered, patting Melissa uncertainly on her back.._ WAS THAT A BRA STRAP? NO! MUST THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS! NOT **MR. HAPPY** THOUGHTS! WAIT.. WHAT THE HELL IS A BRA?! _AHHHHHH! "I have a willy." "Yes.. you do," Melissa answered, lifting her head up. She winked at him. "Well, we must go now! Follow the leader! HUT TWO THREE FOUR! HUT TWO THREE FOUR! HUT TWO THREE FOUR!"  
  
::Melissa STILL typing::  
  
Down in the secret layer! BUWAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA....  
  
"Is that a brain?" Jack asked once they were all in the room. "I've never seen a brain before.. well, actually, one time I looked at mayonnaise and thought it was a brain on rum... does that count?" "No it doesn't," Cherice told him, just as Melissa said, "That would be a mop." "Wait..." Jack asked, suddenly confused. "Are you telling me that mayonnaise doesn't count as a brain, but it's a mop? WHAT?" Melissa shook her head sadly. "No, mayonnaise doesn't count as a brain, and what you're thinking is a brain is really a mop. ARGHH!! YOU'RE SO CONFUSING!!" "Aye, but you love me anyway!" Melissa smiled, "Yes! I do! HUGGLY PARTY!!!" Jack had no idea what a 'Huggly Party' was, but decided to just feel the warm fuzzies that he felt when Melissa's said she loved him.... and to hug her. (After all, he was a sex-crazed.. alcoholic) Whoa..._ She smells good... while I smell like sewage. HOW IS THAT FAIR? ARGHH!! Besides, I still say that was a brain._ "HEY!" Cherice yelled, trying to get their attention. "WILL IS IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN! JUST LOOK AT HIM!! HE'S WAILING!!" Jack and Melissa looked around to see Will doing the Macarena. As if sensing eyes on him, Will opened his eyes to smile brightly at the pair (Melissa: he had to open his eyes to smile? Ooook then!). "I feel great! No more pain! I'M ALL BETTER!" "No you're not!" Cherice yelled. "YOU FELL LIKE CRAP! NOW GET ON THE FLOOR SO THAT I CAN FIX YOU!" "Whoa.." Melissa said to Jack. "Do you think she has bent up sexual frustration or what?" Jack just blinked. "Maybe she needs some rum." "Uh... yea... Rum.. THAT'LL work." "Well, it might!" The two were cut off by Cherice yelling, "CLEAR!" and then using her shoes as paddles to resuscitate his heart (Melissa: Think ER people). "I SAID CLEAR DAMMIT!!!!" She then used her shoes again to 'bring life back into him'. "WHY WON'T YOU LIVE?! WHY WHY WHY!?" "Cherice..." Melissa said carefully. "You've knocked him out with your shoe... he won't be breathing for a while now." "BUT HE MUST COME BACK!!!!!!! HE MUST!!! I WILL NOT HAVE HIM DIE ON MY WATCH!" "Ooook then. Well, in that case, let me help you!" Melissa scurried around the room in search of something to help Will with. She found a pickle and then scurried back on over to Will. She kneeled over his body and raised her hands over his chest, the pickle in her hand. "BOOMSHOCKALOCKABOMBDIGGITYDINGDONGSPRITEMOO!" With those words, Will came back to life, and looked around the room hazily. "Er.. Hello," he said to everyone after a moment. And then.. without further A-do, Cherice flung her arms around his neck and started crying into his shoulder. "It's times like these that just make you want to gag," Melissa told Jack. "Yes, luv." He looked down at her and winked. "Want to try it?" Melissa grinned and leaned into to kiss him.......  
  
Only there was a loud noise that made both couples break apart. "MELISSA!!" A female voice yelled. There was kicking on the steps above them. "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!!! I NEED CHEETOS!! AND I NEED THEM NOW!!!!" It was Melissa's sister Megan.. and she did not sound happy. "Who is that?" Jack and Will asked at the same time. "That would be Megan," she replied. Cherice looked somewhat stunned. "Is that how she really acts?" Melissa nodded her head, and Cherice busted out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S FUNNY! HAHAHA!" Unfortunately. Megan heard the laughing and kicked the steps again. "WHO IS THAT DOWN THERE WITH YOU? IS IT BOB?!" _Who the Hell is Bob? _Melissa asked herself... at the same time she yelled up the stairs to Megan. "NO! It's Jack! Jack Sparrow!" She shared a grin with Cherice. "And Will Turner too!" "Really?" Megan asked, her kicking stopping. "OMG!! I CAN SEE HIM- THEM ON EBAY!" She the proceeded to kick the stairs again, with a single-minded purposed that made Melissa know that she was after the two studs. She wrapped her arms around Jack while Cherice did the same with Will. They were in for a rough night.. or day... depending on how long it took for Megan's foot to grow blisters and start hurting her.   
  
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WHOOP WHOOP!!! There ya go! The fifth chappy! Or.. at least.. I THINK it's the fifth chappy. I just don't know. ::sigh:: Well. WHAT DID YA THINK?! Did you think it was spaz-tastic? I certainly did.......n't! HaHa.   
  
Anyhoo, now you know what I write like.. you poor poor children. I feel your pain. ::pats you on the back:: Well... REVIEW! Before I start to scare you! NOW BITCH!!!  
  
No caffeine was harmed in the writing of this chapter. 


	6. mmm! Red Bull

"MR. CLEAN, MR. CLEAN" LALLADADLDLLALA!!!! The television echoed from upstairs as the two couples woke early the next morning. Megan's foot had swollen immensely overnight and had grown to be about the size of a large watermelon. So sometime around 2 in the morning she stopped kicking, but unfortunately for her she now had to be rushed to the hospital. No one paid any attention to that except the dog, Max who was trying to rape her foot.

Well anyway… Melissa woke up first and found Jack's disgusting foot in her face. Cherice on the other hand woke up quite pleasantly; somehow during the night she and Will had managed to remain in a hugging position. Cherice and Melissa stared at each other. Cherice was trying to send Melissa a message with her mind. _"We should get the mop and dangle it in Jack's face and say that a brain is attacking him." _Melissa obviously did not hear her. So Cherice got up and grabbed the brain mop and started to viscously attack Jack. Fortunately for him he had Melissa to defend him. She grabbed a broom and so they started to have a sword fight. Without swords. And with a broom and a mop.

"HA! TAKE THAT!" Cherice said as she stabbed Melissa with the mop. "HA! YOU CAN'T GET ME! THE CHEESE DOODLES ARE PROTECTING ME!" And so Cherice proceeded to run for her life. But she didn't run for very long when she ran into a brick wall strategically placed to hold up the foundations of the house and keep out bad weather. But much like a cartoon Cherice's face had gone mysteriously flat.

Melissa laughed.

Suddenly Jack sat up and opened his eyes to see a flat faced Cherice with a mop in her hand and a laughing Melissa pointing the end of a broom at Cherice.

So Melissa started tap dancing and all of a sudden Will awoke. "I smelled your leg last night, Cherice..." He stared at her intently. Melissa stopped tap dancing. Cherice's face went un-flat.

"…And it smelled good." Will passed out.

Insert lots of laughing 'here'

So with a _whoosh _of her non existent cape, Cherice ran over to help her poor Willy.

"Did the narrator just say willy again?" Jack asked curiously as he stared at Melissa. "I do believe she did." more laughter

"WILL! MY POOR WILLY!" Suddenly Will started talking. "Why don't you try CPR?" Cherice ignored this. "I HAVE AN IDEA!" light bulb flashes above Cherice's head "Why don't I try CPR?!!? DON'T DIE YET, MY WILLY!!!!" But before she started to administer CPR Melissa threw a shoe at her. "Since when do we use CPR? Hello? We always use shoe resuscitation." "Not now, Melissa! I'm trying to rescue Will!" Melissa threw another shoe at her. "Could you please stop interrupting me? I'm trying to save a dying man." Cherice was sooo close to giving Will CPR when all of a sudden there was a mop standing between Cherice's face and Will's face. "W-t-f!?" Will stood up and ran to the wall. "You all have foiled my plans. Except Cherice…who was working wonderfully with me."

All looked confused. Will let out a maniacal laugh.

Cherice: "W-t-f, guys."

All of a sudden the secret room-y thing…….y……glowed purple and the Goo Goo Dolls started playing out of invisible speakers in the walls. And a refrigerator appeared…and inside it had the mighty fruit……..the drink made for the Gods………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Red Bull.

Yes that's right. So Jack decided to go over and open a can. You can only imagine the torture Cherice, Melissa and Will would soon endure.

3 hours, 32 cans of Red Bull and a sock later….

"Wow…it really DOES give you wings!" Melissa turned her neck in an extremely awkward way to see a pair of white feathery wings growing from her back. …

(Note the fact that because its been…counts…many months since we wrote the last chapter the characters will slightly differ from previous chapters due to the authors' brain growth and mental stimulation. Also note the authors' new and improved, updated writing styles, word choices and grammatical errors. And most importantly, please note the fact that since Cherice has taken over this entire chappy and quite possibly the rest of the story, it will now turn into something incredibly unrealistic; hence the sprouting of wings. Thank you kindly for your time. Is done sticking authors' notes in the middle of the chappy)

"…Indeed it does love." Jack stood up off the ground where he had previously lapsed into a fit of giggles. Cherice….being completely resistant to the harmful effects of Red Bull, didn't have wings. But that's ok because she had now denoted this as "Cherice's uber awesome, incredibly orgasmic, 'lets listen to the Goo Goo Dolls' pondering time." So Cherice sat deep in ponder as Melissa, Jack and Will had started a girlish game of truth or dare with a teddy bear.

"Hey Mr. Teddy; truth or dare." Will, getting no response from the teddy bear quickly got bored and interrupted Cherice's uber awesome, incredibly orgasmic, 'lets listen to the Goo Goo Dolls' pondering time. "Damn you monkeys!!!" Cherice yelled out as the music was cut off.

"Oh. Hello, love." Cherice smiled that said subtly, 'Go away before I bite your head off.' No one knew why Cherice was being pissy, but Melissa guessed that it was because she was unreceptive to the effects of Red Bull.

Cherice to Melissa: "Damnez les clowns de foo de singe et leurs dicks de nickel!"

Melissa back to Cherice: "No habla french?!?!"

"Oh. I forgot. Sorry." Cherice cleared her throat and began in German. "Verdammen Sie die Affe foo Clowne und ihre Nickel dicks!"

"SPEAK ENGLISH, WOMAN!" Melissa: death glare

"Was that directed towards me?" Jack said as he observed a CD. "What do you call this, love?" "That would be a CD. Don't ask me how it works because I couldn't begin to explain. It's just there. Like the sky. It has no real purpose. It's just there." Cherice sat down, dumbfounded.

"How dare you insult my multi-lingual capabilities." Cherice shot the death glare back at Melissa. "Are you really multi-lingual?" Jack said swerving over to her, much like he would if her were drunk off rum.

Jack cleared his throat. "¿Es usted... multilingüe?" "No habla espanol. Je parle français."

"SHE SAID PARLE!!!" Will screamed running maniacally around the room.

Melissa scratched Jack's head. Jack scratched Melissa's head.

"Ooo!!! Conga line?!!" Cherice got up and joined Will in a conga line.

"Oh boy. This is gonna be another long night…" Melissa said rolling her eyes as Jack passed out on the mop.

END CHAPPY

Authors' notes: OMG!!!! THE 6TH CHAPPY IS DONE!!! and it only ….11 months. Wow. So yeah. We plan great things with this. I, (Cherice) promise you that I will not let this go unfinished. Even if I must finish alone, because after all the chappy's have always been saved on my computer, this will not become a dead fic. Many of you thought that it might due to our all of a sudden urge to go out and get a real life. But on the contrary, now that school has once again resumed I have time. So yeah. Expect great things to come.

Here…have a marshmallow. Enjoy!

-Rice Cake. Aka Cherice.


	7. Cherice is drop dead gorgeous!

It is now checks clock 17 seconds since the last thing that happened.

Melissa had Jack pinned to the wall. Only, jack thought it was sexual, when really she just had the previously aforementioned mop dangling in his face. "Oh Melissa..." Jack said, staring at her beautiful blue eyes, and luscious pink lips, and amazing skin. (I think it's pretty easy to tell who's writing this chapter.) "I don't know how to tell you this but... but..." He took a deep breath. "Ever since I first came across you, naked, on that raft (Cherice: HEY! WE WERE NOT NAKED!) with that large pillow (Cherice: HEY! I AM NOT A PILLOW!) I have been in love with you. Would you do me the great honor of becoming my wife?"

Melissa blinked. "Um...actually, I just wanted to give you a bath!" She smiled, and dangled the mop in his face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack scrambled off the wall ( an amazing feat, considering he was pinned to in not a moment before) and started running around the room. NAKED!

Ok, not naked. But he still starting running around the room, flapping his arms, his tail (TAIL?) spinning in circles around him. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BACK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

And he tripped. On his tail. Which was actually part of the squirell that was hiding in his pants. Or maybe it was a monkey. Or a chicken. No one can be sure. Anyway, he tripped, and in less than a second Melissa was stradling his waist (would have been gross if I wrote "waste"). "First of all, lovie, I'm looks at watch Uh... er... uh... smacks head repeatedly and with wild abandon A LOT younger than you, and not even legal. Second, where would we live? Thirdly, YOU SMELL REALLY BAD! And fourth...ly... OK! YES! I'LL MARRY YOU! WE WILL SPEND THE REST OF OUR DAYS TOGETHER IN BLISSFUL HARMONY! UNDER THE SKY AND THE STARS AND ON THE SEA, EVEN THOUGH YOU SOMETIMES GET SEA SICK, WHICH IS ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY SINCE YOU'RE A PIRATE CAIPTAIN, I MEAN, SHOULDN'T YOU NOT GET SICK? ANYWAY, YEA, I'LL MARRY YOU, BUT FIRST WE NEED TO GET YOU CLEANED UP! MY SNUGLY UMPKINS DIPPLY DOO NEEDS TO BE CLEAN! UMPY DUMPY PUMPY TUMPY...ER...SNOOKEMS PIE! NUZZLY GUZZLY PUZZLY-"

She passed out on the floor, on top of Jack, who may or may not have been screaming and shirtless and knawing on a squirrel's tail. But not before she waked him upside the head with the mop, which instantly cleaned him up. Seriously, he was so shiny, he was the new Mr. Clean.

Wait.. .didn't we do a Mr. Clean reference in the last chapter? checks Yea, we did. So.. ok. He was as clean as...um... hmm...WATER! Which is really, really clean, right? I mean, unless it's like... sewage or something. Or maybe like...water that has mud in it. Or maybe like... er... water that has drowned many, many elves in it. ( CHERICE: NOO! LEGOLAS!) (ME NARRATOR SEX: GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!) (CHERICE: NOOOO!) (ME: SHUT UP! KILL)

At this point in our story, Cherice drops dead. For no reason. Ok, well, there is a reason, but I don't feel like getting into it right now.

theme music from jepordy plays

WHAT! Stop staring at me! It's not like I'm the one telling the story! GOOOOOOOOOOD!

Ok, shut up.

Anyway, after Cherice dies Will cries and jack sighs and melissa rhymes and yea. Then Will starts jumping around screaming that, "They've killed her, they've killed her!"

Melissa, being, well, you know, Melissa, looks up from the amazingly clean Jack (OK, so Cherice may be dead, but Jack is friggin Sparkling! Sparkly...Sparkly) (Melissa, being, well, you know, Melissa, looks up from the amazingly clean Jack (OK, so Cherice may be dead, but Jack is friggin Sparkling! Sparkly...Sparkly) ( ---- haha, no punctuation mark.) and looks to will and goes, "what's wrong Honey?"

Then Will looks at Melissa and goes, in this deep voice that freaked out melissa but probably turned on a million other women "Cherice!You came back! You came back! Just like me! Cuase I used to be Leo DiCaprio! Only now I'm me so I'm obviously not him anymore but that's besides the point because reverts to beauty's line from the beauty and the beast you came back! you came back!"

And then he:

KISSED HER! HE KISSED MELISSA!

Now, a few things happened at once.

Melissa smacked Will who was kissing her and saying "you came back!" into her mouth.

Second, Jack smacked Will upside the head repeatedly whilst yelling "hands off my wife, who really isn't my wife, not yet, but she will be after she grows up and we choose a place to live and i clean myself, oh i already did that, anyway, HANDS OFF! HADNS OFF! HANDS OFF!

Thirdly, Cherice woke up -yes, WOKE UP!- and said, "Whoa...my wings came late."

Fourth Melissa's sister came back and started stomping all around and yelling "Cheetos! Cheetos! Cheetors! LICE! DONKEY! LAMP! Cheetos! Cheetos! FISH! 87! 12654154545 1/2! CHEETOS! CHEETOS!" ect.

And fifth... fifth is the most horrible thing on earth. Fifth...

The penguins walked into the room and said "Jack, you have finally done what you needed to do to move on. It is now your time."

Cherice looked to will who was still making out with melissa's eye which was looking at the sparkly jack which was looking at the penguins which were looking at...

THE MOP?

(Well, we updated, though it took us... a long time. How did u like the chapter!

3Mel)


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